I’ve seen this kind before…..

As I looked at him from across the table, I couldn’t help but wonder…is he a teacher? professor? doctor?  Yes, it may have been profiling or stereotyping but at the same time I think I was right.  As he got up and went to what was most likely the restroom, the two gentlemen standing between us were there, asking his friend questions.  I couldn’t hear everything that was coming from her mouth but could make out a few words while reading her lips, such as “he never makes the first move” and “maybe you should talk with him.”

I’ve seen this kind before…obviously smart, confident in his personality but doesn’t have the first clue on how to swoon another.  He’s bright, good looking – not in a sexy way but as the “sensual intellectual” type – so much better.  He doesn’t take compliments well, is engaged in conversation with bystanders to be cordial. He knows he has nothing with hair dressers or retail workers, yet his parents taught him well. Don’t be rude or pretentious.  This is the kind of guy you could take home to mom, and shortly thereafter she would never doubt the kind of people you’d date ever again.

Then I wake up.


One comment

  1. Whoa…I rant.

    So what the hell was my problem? Why did I become so apprehensive in that I couldn’t even say hello? What have I lost? What have I gained? when I was 24 and on the scene, I had youth and a nice body (just out of the military).

    Why does one even go to bars to meet people? I mean, I know that I’m not going to meet a boyfriend at the bar. I don’t feel it works out for people like me. I’m older, and have a different skill set to “sell” to others. I’m smart, engaged, have a good job, and probably the most important, I’ve supported myself to get where I am…through and through. I put myself through school, worked through the ranks, marketed myself appropriately, have good friends and enjoy what I do. What more can I ask for? Oh yeah, a healthy relationship to share my life with.

    A lot of my friends I’m happy that they’ve found someone to have at home but they haven’t changed one bit. These friends are good people but what do I have in common with them anymore? I go out because it’s convenient and a little bit of fun. I hate it at the same time because I do nothing but set myself up for disappointment. I don’t ever feel like I’m good enough for the others at the bar. I’m too fat, don’t wear the right clothing, don’t engage myself appropriately. Then, when I do get hit on, I’m embarrassed, like a 10 year old. I’m so out of touch with the way I used to be…no fear, no consequence, no worries. Perhaps its because I’ve grown up. Perhaps its because I’ve moved on and some others haven’t.

    Does my mind need to change that much? What do I have to lose? What do I have to gain? In that place, there’s a feeling of a superiority and countenance that comes along with being my age. I’ve had gray hair longer than some of these people have been alive and yet I feel intimidated by them – which in and of itself is freaking insane. I don’t get it. What is prohibiting me from talking to people, and doing it in a way that’s in line with my values? Should I just “hook up”?

    My mind is on track with so many things yet when it comes to these, I seem lost. Ugh, the anguish of self-deprecation.

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